From the time my kids were very small I've realized that my 2 boys have personalities that is so opposite from each other. One of them would want A and the other one would want B. Needless to say, it caused a lot of fighting in our household. Separate and conquer technique can only work for so long, then they have to share the same space in the house to play! And the fights are on again!
This used to drive me crazy! As a person who prefer peace and quite, this whole situation was the opposite of how I would have liked to manage my household. O, the peaceful days before kids, where I could do what I wanted when I wanted. But, then my days all became about teaching them to share, take turns, you don't need to be always right, you don't need to be perfect, so what if your brother thinks and want different things from you ....!! It wasn't always the topics of the fights that got to me, but the continuous nature of it, day in and day out.
This used to drive me crazy! As a person who prefer peace and quite, this whole situation was the opposite of how I would have liked to manage my household. O, the peaceful days before kids, where I could do what I wanted when I wanted. But, then my days all became about teaching them to share, take turns, you don't need to be always right, you don't need to be perfect, so what if your brother thinks and want different things from you ....!! It wasn't always the topics of the fights that got to me, but the continuous nature of it, day in and day out.
Then I was saved by a book called: Different children. Different Needs by Charles F. Boyd. Through this book I was able to put my boys behaviour, both positive and so not positive, into one of 4 boxes, and have a deeper understanding of their individual personalities. Yes, yes, I know, I don't like to put my kids into descriptive boxes, they never fitted into just one box before. In school, they certainly didn't fitted into the box they wanted to put them in. But, I must also say, sometimes putting things into a category, and giving it a name does help you to gain insight.
Well, it turned out that my kids didn't fit into just one box of Charles Boyd's DISC model. More like into 2 categories, but they are mostly in one category ...
Well, it turned out that my kids didn't fit into just one box of Charles Boyd's DISC model. More like into 2 categories, but they are mostly in one category ...
He explain personalities as fast-paced and slow-paced. That is the first reason for the continuous fights between my 2 boys. One likes to be impulsive and do things without thinking, the other likes to take it slow and obtain all possible information on the subject before doing anything, ... which can seem forever! But when he does make a decision, you'll know it is a good one, one that you can trust! But sometimes, being impulsive and sort out problems as they appear, has also it's place. No paralysis by analysis here!
Fast-Paced: vs Outgoing, initiating, taking risks, making quick decisions, competing, assertive, broad focus, talks/tells (a lot!!). | Slow-paced: Reflective, responding, avoid risks, thinks through decisions, cooperating, slower paced, specific focus, listen/asks. |
According to Boyd, the second difference in personalities are categorized by being task-oriented or people-oriented.
My one son is very much Fact-oriented and the other Opinion-oriented. They always end up in these discussions why a certain vehicle or character in a game is better, and then can never come to the same conclusion. Being impatient to others opinions and the other wanted very much approval doesn't help either.
My one son is very much Fact-oriented and the other Opinion-oriented. They always end up in these discussions why a certain vehicle or character in a game is better, and then can never come to the same conclusion. Being impatient to others opinions and the other wanted very much approval doesn't help either.
Task-oriented: vs Independent, guarded in relationships, cool, controlling, calculating, time-conscious, fact-oriented, impatient. | People-oriented: Relational, relaxed, warm, supporting, feeling, flexible about time, opinion-oriented, easy going. |
So, now to put it into the 4 personality types according to the DISC model:
Fast- paced
Fast- paced
Directive Determined D | Interactive Influencing I |
Task-oriented | People-oriented |
C Corrective Conscientious | S Supportive Soft-hearted |
Slow-Paced
My 2 boys are an I and C. Looking at the above table, you can see that they are on opposite sides, one is Fast-paced and the other is Slow-paced, one is Task-oriented and the other People-oriented. Underneath are more opposing characteristics traits of them.
Style: Basic Tendencies: Greatest Strengths: Natural Limitations: Communication: Fears: Love Language: Under Pressure: Money viewed as a means of: Decision Making: Greatest Needs: Recharge: | I: Influencing children * Fast-paced * People-oriented * Fun-loving * Involved with others * Enthusiastic * Emotional * Optimistic * Good communicator * Disorganized * Not detail-oriented * Unrealistic * Positive * Inspiring * Persuasive * Loss of social approval * Acceptance and Approval * Emotional attack ( but may avoid public confrontation) * Freedom * Impulsive * Whether it "Feels" right * Fun activities * Social recognition * Freedom from details * Social time | C: Conscientious children * Slower-paced * Task-oriented * Accurate * Analytical * Attentive to key details * High standards * Intuitive * Controlled * Too critical * Perfectionistic * Overly sarcastic * Diplomatic * Keen observer * Provides details * Irrational acts * Criticism of their work * Affirmation * Avoids * Withdrawn * Plans strategy to get even * Insuring security * Reluctant * Needs a lot of information * Time to do quality work * Facts * Time to analyze * Private time |
Response to Stress and conflict: Initial Response If Tension Persists Can cause conflict when they: | Attack Comply * Clown around or lack proper seriousness * Talk too much or interrupt when others are talking * Lack attention to details and/or the necessary follow-through on tasks * Become too excitable or emotional * Become verbally manipulative or * allow themselves to be manipulated by peer pressure | Withdraw Demand * Overly critical or judgmental of others * Worrying too much * Nosy, suspicious; asking so many detailed questions that other people feel as if they are being interrogated * Perfectionistic or intolerant of other's mistakes * Hiding or stuffing their emotions * Not socializing much with others * Stuck in the "paralysis of analysis" and moving too slowly. |
Influencing children: Conscientious children: | Strength: * Enthusiastic * Good communicator * Optimistic * Imaginative * People-person * Spontaneous Strength: * Analytical * Cautious * Conscientious * High personal standards * Strives for excellence * Intuitive, sensitive | Corresponding Limitations: * Excitable, emotional * Talks too much * Unrealistic * Day dreamer * Disorganized with tasks and things * Impulsive, undisciplined Corresponding Limitations: * Nit-picking * Unsociable, suspicious * Worries too much * Judgemental, critical * Perfectionistic * Easily hurt by criticism |
Strategies for Conscientious children when dealing with Influencing children:
* The conscientious child must modify his expectations for the influencing child. Realize that he will never give the same attention to details that you do.
* He hungers for acceptance and approval, so look for strengths and praise him at every opportunity.
* Enjoy him for who he is, even though his strengths may be different from yours.
* Stop working on your projects and tasks long enough to give him your focused attention.
* Listen enthusiastically to his stories and tales. It energizes him to talk and have you listen attentively.
* Most of all, don't push for perfection. Don't set your standards so high that he comes to feel he will never be able to reach them.
* The conscientious child must modify his expectations for the influencing child. Realize that he will never give the same attention to details that you do.
* He hungers for acceptance and approval, so look for strengths and praise him at every opportunity.
* Enjoy him for who he is, even though his strengths may be different from yours.
* Stop working on your projects and tasks long enough to give him your focused attention.
* Listen enthusiastically to his stories and tales. It energizes him to talk and have you listen attentively.
* Most of all, don't push for perfection. Don't set your standards so high that he comes to feel he will never be able to reach them.
Strategies for Influencing children when dealing with Conscientious children:
* Listen so that you will better understand. Be alert to subtle nuances in what he says. He uses words sparingly, and every word has meaning.
* Tone down your emotional reactions and your enthusiasm. Be more factual and objective, especially in the midst of conflict.
* Realize that his drive for perfection is as deeply felt as your need for fun. He cannot simply "lighten up"and laugh off mistakes.
* Allow him time alone to be disappointed when his work doesn't measure up to his standards.
* Don't rush or push. Allow him time alone to do quality work.
* Be sincere in your praise and appreciation of his work. Tell him what he did well in specific descriptive terms, rather than simply saying : Great job!""Terrific!"or "You did a fantastic job.
* Remember, his worst fear is criticism of his work. Be gentle when correcting.
* Don't expect him to be a risk-taker. Accept his cautious nature.
* Listen so that you will better understand. Be alert to subtle nuances in what he says. He uses words sparingly, and every word has meaning.
* Tone down your emotional reactions and your enthusiasm. Be more factual and objective, especially in the midst of conflict.
* Realize that his drive for perfection is as deeply felt as your need for fun. He cannot simply "lighten up"and laugh off mistakes.
* Allow him time alone to be disappointed when his work doesn't measure up to his standards.
* Don't rush or push. Allow him time alone to do quality work.
* Be sincere in your praise and appreciation of his work. Tell him what he did well in specific descriptive terms, rather than simply saying : Great job!""Terrific!"or "You did a fantastic job.
* Remember, his worst fear is criticism of his work. Be gentle when correcting.
* Don't expect him to be a risk-taker. Accept his cautious nature.
Source: Different Children Different Needs (The Art of Adjustable Parenting) by Charles F. Boyd